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I came across an interesting article on Slate about grief. The article is called, How to Help Friends in Mourning and it is part of a larger series on grief that Slate ran this past Spring and Summer. Authors Meghan O'Rourke and Leeat Granek conducted a survey to find out, in their words, what grief is actually like.
The key takeaway from the article I mentioned is the deeply felt need of people who have suffered a loss to have their grief acknowledged. According to the article,
"Asked what would have helped them with their grief, the survey-takers talked again and again about acknowledgement of their grief. They wanted recognition of their loss and its uniqueness; they wanted help with practical matters; they wanted active emotional support."
What is not helpful for mourners is anything that seems to minimize or dismiss their suffering, including statements about the deceased "being at peace" or "in a better place" or even "no longer in pain." This brings to mind a C.S. Lewis quote from his book A Grief Observed, written after the death of his wife. He said:
"Talk to me about the truth of religion and I'll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I'll listen submissively. But don't come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don't understand."
The whole article really supports the idea that pain and suffering cannot be eliminated by repressing them. They are gradually dissolved by acceptance and acknowlegement. That is the great value of our collective grief rituals, such as funerals, memorials, and the like. But it is also a need that can be filled by the simple of act of saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss."
What grief needs is to be recognized. This is both and external need and an internal one. Not only do people need to have others acknowledge their grief, but those who have suffered a loss need to feel and experience their own grief. This is something that is increasingly discouraged in our times. Today we believe in "moving on," "getting over it," "being brave." But it is exactly the act of denying grief that can cause it to overpower us.
Acknowledging grief, in others and in ourselves, is essential to psychological health. According to Jungian analyst, Verena Kast, "Through the emotion of mourning we can become healthy, as paradoxical as this sounds, for mourning brings about transformation."
I was just the other day talking about this to my Mum. I have not grieved, not really. There has been sadness/depression/fear (mostly fear) but there has been no time to grieve, there are too many other issues (ongoing, and new issues, seemingly one thing after another) that I MUST focus on, stay strong for… since entering the after-loss (for the most part) grief has been suppressed, put on hold, held in, hidden. Partly because I don’t want to burden those around me, and partly because circumstances have forced the people closest to me to move on quickly, it suits the people close to me if I seem to be ‘over it’, (at least that how it feels to me) because they (especially my long suffering hubby) have more than enough to deal with already.
I don’t think it’s JUST other issues that are the main hold-back though, I think I’m afraid to face it, accept ‘gone’. It will be a year next month since Dad passed, and yet, I’m such a long, long way from acceptance. I’m still waiting, expecting, hoping… and while I know how irrational that sounds, it (though I hadn’t quite realised it until this comment) is where I’m at.
Thank you for this share, it has helped, in a way.